Dear Diary,

“When you get to rehearsal an hour early, you post on social media!”

That's not really me. I mean, the picture is, but the posting because I have extra time isn't. I took the photo with the intention of posting it, but then I didn't. Instead, I took the time to reflect. 

I mostly wrote this a few months ago, but I haven't felt comfortable sharing it until now.

I haven't been truly authentic with many people in person, but especially online. I play small because I'm afraid, and I pretend like I play bigger than I actually do - I travel, I record, etc. However, I feel like it's all for show because much of it is for my own personal projects rather than for things I've been hired for. I don’t feel like I belong in this ultra-visible social media world, though, because advertising it feels false. That's why I hardly ever post online. Yes, the imposter syndrome is strong.

I don't know what to say, or even who will care. This may just be seen by 6 people, but that's okay. This is for me, not them.

I saw a video from @elyse_myers that said, "Imagine believing in yourself as much as you believed in the person who lied to you for years. You'd be unstoppable!" That one hit hardcore. I still have HUGE self esteem issues. And it's cumulative, from many people. Some people were worse than others, but it's not just from one person. 

Many times I've wished I could go back to being the confident freshman oboist who showed up at college and immediately sat principal in the top ensembles. I knew who I was and what I wanted to do. I want to be HER when I grow up! 

I've been told so many times, whether through words or actions, that I can't be a professional musician. Yes, that's common among musicians in general, but it's especially true for women. 

I couldn't do it because I had a small child. 
I couldn't do it because I married young. 
I could do it because my husband wasn't also a musician, or because he was deployed.
I couldn't do it because I had two children.
I couldn't do it because I was going through a divorce. 
I couldn't do it because I had three children. 

When I was having a hard time in school, I went to an oboe professor in another state for a few lessons. I got some help, but instead of the real help I was desperate for, I was given “life advice.” He said had freshmen playing better than me at the time, and I would never make it as a professional. I knew that. I knew I was struggling and that's why I traveled to get his help. Instead, he thought I needed to hear the hard truth. I had to try so hard to hold back the tears as best as I could through the rest of the lesson, and I never went back to him after that. That experience has stuck with me for 15+ years. 

Every time I had a child, people automatically assumed I wanted to take time off. On top of that, they deicided for me how long I would take off by taking me off their lists without consulting me. BTW, I never wanted the time off. After my first child, I performed two or three days later. After having my second, within a month I did a week-long, 8-hour per day set of recording sessions for an album.

When I was getting divorced, I was actually given the advice, “Sometimes you need to set things aside for 10 or 15 years so you can stay home with your kids. I had to do that with my sewing, and I came back to it when my kids were older. You can do that with your music.”

And those are just some of the more memorable moments.

Anyway, all of this has been weighing heavily on me, and I finally figured it out a few months ago. I had an emergency tooth extraction in August. I gave myself grace for the first two weeks, but I hadn't been so kind to myself after that. I’d understandably been playing on softer reeds. Somewhere within myself I decided that I should sound exactly the same on a softer reed, but that's not how that works. I also forgot to take into account that I got a new oboe this summer, so I’d have to adjust my reedmaking for that. I was still doing that through some trial and error, while I was still rebuilding my chops. It was all very discouraging, especially because I had to back out of a professional symphony audition that I was very excited about. I didn’t feel like I could even be considered a successful freelancer, let alone someone who could ever qualify to play with any professional symphony, even though I’ve subbed for several.

So, all of that to say I need to believe in myself. I need to trust myself. I CAN play at a professional level, despite what some others have tried to instill in me through the years - I just need to remember that. And, most of all, I need to be patient with myself. Especially if I’m healing from surgery.

Love,
A Freelance Musician (with severe Imposter Syndrome)

P.S. After that long venting session, I’d really like to hear about your personal experiences with this. And better yet, I’d LOVE to hear about how you deal with your imposter syndrome.